Zuko's Gorgeous Little Sister!
by mental hopsital escapee
Summary: Chapter 3 Glistening in the Gutter. [a parody]
1. Chapter 1

What is wrong with me? I am one screwed up, warped person. My writers block has finally ended and what do I write? A parody. 

This time, I bring you the mocked tale of Zuko's little sister, Kilanga Marisu Mulan Sparkley Crystalight. Have fun and review...that is, if the hellishness does not kill you first.

---- Part 1 - the Beginning...

of hell!

One brilliant and glorious day in the Fire Nation, a day full of fluffy clouds, fuzzy forest creatures, smiling daisies, and childrens laughter...

a little girl was crying her heart out. Aw, how sad. She's wangsting. Somebody call a WAAAHMBULANCE!!11!oneone!

Now, before anything else...

She had long, raven coloured hair with maroon highlights (words such as 'red' and 'black' are too mundane and everyday to describe the shining beauty of this girl) glowing amethyst eyes (quite the possibility in the Avatarverse), and wore a beautiful scarlet robe dress type thing with long sleeves, a flowing skirt, and a charcoal-coloured sash wrapped twice, not three times or one time mind you, but two times, around her waist. Now remember all these details, as they will play a crucial part in the story later on.

Oh? They won't?

Ah, well. Remember them anyways. Back to the wangst!

Little Kilanga Marisu Mulan Sparkley Crystalight wept and cried, for you see she had lost her adored big brother Zuko. Ever since Daddy had sent him away she had never seen him again. She missed him so much, for the insanely in character Zuko had read her bedtime stories and played Dolly Dress Up and My Little Pony with her and always had time for a tea party and cartwheel turning.

Zuko had loved her so much, for how could he not love Kilanga Marisu Mulan Sparkley Crystalight? She was beautiful, she was darling, she was sweet, she was adorable, and all who met her fell into a swoon. And she had loved him too. They were bestest friends ever...how cute.

Then Evil Demon Satan-Spawned Daddy had sent him away, thus causing endless wangst for Kilanga Marisu Mu...fuck that long and stupid I mean gorgeous and lovely name! Let's just call her StupidlyNamedSister.

Now that Christmas, a holiday that most definitely exists in the Avatarverse, was coming up (summer had ended, yet the war was not over. Interesting) all StupidlyNamedSister wanted was...

her two front teeth!

I mean, her brother Zuko home. Yeah.

And today, like the stuid little OC she was, she would ask her father Ozai (she is the Princess of the Fire Nation, making her even more supah speshul) for that.

But, for now, she was enduring daddy/wangst and missing-big-bwuthah-wangst, and a single sparkling diamondlike tear so many Sues sport coursed down her cheek.

Poor little thing! Pity her, readers, pity her! For she deserves your undying sympathy and adoration!

--

At dinner time, she made her request.

'Daddy?' she said.

The incredibly in character Ozai smiled with fatherly affection at his favouritest daughter ever. 'Yes, Kilanga Marisu Mulan Sparkely Crystalight?'

'I need to ask you something...' StupidlyNamedSister began tentaively.

'Shoot.'

'It's what I want for Christmas.'

'What is it?' asked Ozai.

'I want Zuko back.' There. It was out. OMG CLIFFHANGER MUSIC!!!

'WHAT?' shouted Ozai with fury.

Damn, the dialogue here is the shiznat!

'HOW COULD YOU WANT HIM BACK HE IS A TRAITOR HIS NAME IS NOT TO BE MENTIONED I HATE HIM AND YOU SHOULD TOO HE IS DISGRACE TO THE FIRE NATION' shouted Ozai, abusing the caps lock key. Evidently, punctuation was a traitor too, and not to be used.

'HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT YOU DAMNED BASTARD THAT HE IS YOUR SON AND MY BROTHER I MISS HIM TOO MUCH AND I WANT TO SEE HIM IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK' StupidlyNamedSister wept, putting herself at great risk to Ozai's rage and also ignoring all proper grammar and causing eyes to burn with pain from the caps lock overuse.

Rather than char her or at least fly into a rage, Ozai merely sat there as StupidlyNamedSister ran off leaving a trail of smoke. Do not question just how she leaves trails of smoke, she just does.

-----

'OMG! Prince Zuko!' shouted Iroh, sounding for all the world like some fanbrat who has just 'stumbled into Avatarland'.

Zuko flew into a wild rage. 'DOUBLE-YOU TEE EFF IS IT YOU STUPID OLD MAN!' he screamed, for all scenes with Zuko must begin with him furious and shouting.

'I am out of tea! And since tea is what our lives revolve around, we must purchase more! Tell the helmsman to stop at the nearest port!' said Iroh. Oh, poor Iroh. He needs his tea! He cannot be without it, for then he would serve no purpose at all! For we all know, Iroh is merely tea-drinking comic relief.

'HELL NO,' said Zuko, furthering the abuse wrecked upon the poor, poor caps lock key and being a total guttermouthed ass (like always). 'I do not give a damn about your tea! I've said that in about every single fic, when will you understand? Tea is awful, disgusting, and I hate it!'

Iroh gasped with horror. Oh, the cruel blashpemy, and from his own nephew's lips! Wiping away the tears, he went to the helmsman to order the change in course himself.

Zuko remained where he was, glowering over the railing of the magically restored ship at the ocean. He really hated that ocean.

--

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ARE ALTERING OUR COURSE??!!' screamed Zuko with anger 5 minutes later.

The helmsman sighed, making a mental note to use smaller words around the mentally challenged Zuko. 'Your uncle ordered it.'

'THIS IS MUTINY!!!!!11!ONE!!' Zuko spewed forth fire in his rage and the ever-present candles flared dangerously.

'Geez, Zuko, calm down...' sighed the helmsman. 'Just...chiiilllll...'

Zuko gaped. 'You're stoned!'

'Wha' ?'The helsman looked nervously about the cabin to make sure his marijuana was not in sight. 'No, man...what makes you think that?'

Zuko stormed from the room in a rage. Iroh sighed and wondered why on earth Zuko had to either be a manic beast of rage or incredibly OOC.

-----------------

Sweet Jesus, what crack am I on?

So, thats chapter 1 of this tale of horror. Like it? Hate it? Have ideas? Have no opinion whatsoever and think I am a total crackpot idiot for even posting this shit?

Review.

I just realized something! Prey is the first multichaptered, non-parody fic I have ever completed. Amazing. (Yes, its only two chapters, but what the hell. I did it.)


	2. An Important AN

A short, important A/N - 

This is the real mental hospital escapee. My friend wrote that last chapter and forgot to include that it was written by her. No, she did not forget, she did that on purpose in order to mock me.

Now she wants me to finish it.

However, I have stopped writing for a time to read good fanfiction such as the drabbles avatar100 at lj and browsing through older pages of fanfiction in a lame attempt to improve my own writing quality. I have been reading some of my things and realized I'm not that great.

That's about it; if my friend decides to finish her parody it will be up soon. But don't expect much from me in the way of new fics for a while. Hopefully when I return I shall be better and not seem like some wanna-be-writer fool.

- mental hospital escapee


	3. Chapter 3

All right, maybe I lied a little. I, MHE, wrote that first chapter along with my friend. As for this chapter, I wrote some, she wrote some. But I can't really recall who wrote what. And we were both thinking of a certain fic that got MiST'ed on Guess which one it is... in your REVIEW! Heh, I'm not ashamed to beg.

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar the Last Airbender, I simply corrupt it for my own amusement.

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Chapter 3 - Glistening in the Gutter - the Sue that really isn't a Sue at all.

The golden fire orb wheeled throughout the heavens as the slight angel stood below on the great black giants on which the frothing monster below danced and raged as diamonds fell from the shining pools of colour in her face.

In short, a little girl cried and stood on the sea-cliffs as the waves crashed beneath.

But, despite the confusing prose, you have to admit that last part was as pwetty as teh beutiful unic0rnz.

So, Kilanga Marisu Mulan Sparkley Crystalight wangsted her poor little heart out, cursing her father to a dozen deaths and wishing ever so desperately for her big brother to come home and play Barbies with her.

(hozmfgrandomirritatingsentenceusedasapagebreaktomakeyouscreamandrunwithburningeyestosmashyourheadagainstthenearestwall)

'WTF HOZMFG' shouted Zuko. 'LIEK MY 3V1L DEEMON SATAN-SPWNED DADDY WILL K1LL M3 IF I CUM HOME!!!111!!ONEONE!ELEVENTYONE!!!'

The gutterminded helmsman snickered at Zuko's spelling of the word 'come' and waved the piece of paper, come to the ship by methods that should not be questioned, at the raging young prince. 'This letter says that your father, in a burst of IC-ness, has decided that Kilanga Marisu Sparkley Crystalight's wishes come first, before the good of the Fire Nation and his own iron will.'

Zuko clasped his hands and squealed. 'omg how qt my lil wuvewy sis wanst me home 4 xmas'

'Just so she can annoy the hell outta you,' muttered Iroh.

Zuko glared at him. 'WTF did u juss say u old man?'

'I said...' Iroh cleared his throat. 'that we will be stopping at the nearest port. You see, I have lost my lotus tile.'

Zuko muttered curses at that damned lotus tile. 'WTF? You already lost it!'

'Yes, but I cannot think up a better reason for us to stop at the nearest port,' explained Iroh, pulling a steaming teapot out from his sleeves.

'I can!' said the helmsman eagerly. 'So we can find the stupidest, prettiest OC with the most 1337 magick skillz to be your wife, Zuko!'

'WTF,' said Zuko.

Iroh threw a dictionary (drawn, presumably, from his sleeves) at his nephew. 'My dear Prince Zuko, you need a larger vocabulary. Please stop screaming random letters.'

Zuko screamed. 'WTF??!!! but wuts all dis crap abowt my fiance?'

The helmsman gasped. 'Fiance? Why, Zuko, I never knew you were gay!' He grinned a sick, perverse smile as images of hawt gay lubeless buttsechs ran through his mind.

The idiot Zuko glared at him. 'Don't mess wit me, homie, Im da Emo Prince!' he said, doing a gangster pose. The helmsman laughed at Zuko's attempt to be ghetto.

Zuko sighed in annoyance. Fiance, fiancee, it made no difference to him! He just wanted to know about these marriage plans! And he was the Emo Prince.

Iroh sighed and waved that silly boy away. 'Fret not, nephew dearest. Now go eat your dinner and go to bed. And finish your tea.' '

Zuko nodded and left. He loves being ordered around.

(wannakillmeyet?)

At the nearest port...

'ZOMFG!' the Bitchtastic-Sue-Who-Needs-No-Man screeched at the hapless cabbage vendor. 'Liek omg ima beet u up w/meh 1337 magick skillz!'

The Cabbage Man shuddered before her burning fire of anger, and decided maybe the price of cabbages was a bit too high. But before he could say a word, the girl overturned his cart with superhuman strength and stalked away, leaving him alone in his misery.

'My poor cabbages,' he whispered tenderly, tears streaming down his face as he cradled a crushed green vegetable in his arms.

Enough of him. Back to the girl who destroyed his life, once again.

She was a filthy little street urchin, having an angst filled background in which her entire family was slaughtered before her eyes by the evil Hsajr'jdds'lakax'wqjk yet she alone was left (to be the AVENGER) leaving her on the streets without a person in the world to care for her.

Everyone threw shoes at her and she ate from trash cans, fighting with stray dogs over empty cans of Cheese Whiz.

Her hair was a ratty mess of dark brown hair and her eyes were a brilliant green-blue sparkling with the righteous wrath and burning passions of her soul. She was dressed in loose-hanging, tattered rags that help her play the poor, innocent, yet independent and strong orphan. Despite her filthy appearance, she was still wonderously beautiful. Her name was Kwa Mei.

Suddenly, a ship pulled in the harbour she was conveniently near to. All heads turned and a hush fell over the crowds of peasants.

For this was not just any ship.

It was, in fact, a Fire Nation ship.

Oh.

Em.

GEE.

CLIFFHANGER

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Sorry this chapter's so short, but at least it's posted.

Any ideas for whats going to happen next? Tell us! 


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